Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Senator Richard Burr is a Joke

While walking down the street one day, North Carolina Republican Senator Richard Burr is tragically hit by an ATM machine falling out of the sky. (You probably need to be from North Carolina to get the irony).

The Senator's soul arrives in heaven, where he's met by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, we face a slight problem. We seldom see a US Senator here, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says Senator Burr

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Senator Burr.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican Senator to the elevator and the Senator goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green field of ATM Machines. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other Republican politicians. Everyone is very happy and making copious ATM withdrawls. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of hard working middle class Americans. They spend all day long taking money out of ATM Machines, and in the evening they dine on lobster and caviar at the clubhouse. The Devil is right there with them (a Republican too), a very friendly guy who has a good time laughing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then Senator Burr answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. All his friends are dressed in rags, poor, uneducated, in terrible health, living on the streets and using food stamps to buy what little food is available. The Devil comes over to Senator Burr and lays an arm around his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers Senator Burr. Yesterday I was here and there were green fields, ATMs stuffed with cash, and a clubhouse where we ate lobster and caviar, danced and had a great time. Now its just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends are miserable, poor, uneducated, in terrible health, and living in the gutters.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were living under a Democratic administration. Now that you've joined us, we're going to live like laissez-faire Republicans. Welcome to hell Senator Burr."

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